The First Few Weeks

The first couple of weeks, I really struggled, as I was feeling very, very apprehensive, very scared almost angry with what I discovered I had never expected this

How could I feel like this, wasn't this supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. Yet all I was doing was questioning myself as to why didn't I feel euphoric, what kind of mother would that make me? Did that make me?

I didn't want to think about it, if I didn't think about it I could forget about it, but that was getting harder and harder by the day as I was feeling very sick all the time now and there was no escaping the fact that morning sickness was very imminent now, in fact it started from that moment on wards, I was sick all the time, in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening, every morning I would get up and go strait to the toilet and become well acquainted with the toilet bowl. In the first couple of months I lost over a stone of weight from being sick, it became so repetitive it became part of my daily routine I even got used to it. Even though the sickness lasted through my whole pregnancy towards the end I think it was purely stress and fear.

At the start though I didn't want to tell anyone in my family as I thought that my family would be disappointed with me as I wasn't married, a strange and stupid thought as my family aren't at all like that I don't know why I thought that but I felt everyone would be disapproving of our news but to my shock when I did tell them they were very supporting and happy it just made the wedding even more of a special time After the first few weeks of initial shock and fear Simon and myself got married. We had our lovely wedding at the local hotel a small affair but filled with so much happiness we had had our first scan by then my booking scan and had various scan photographs, to me it all looked like various shades of grey which I couldn't work out what was what so we announced our babies arrival by putting the scan picture in our wedding messages book with our message of this is what Lisa and Simon have to say, many people were absolutely thrilled as they didn't know so it was a complete start of the fairy tale marriage and a new baby. After the 8 weeks of stress and last minutes will my dress still fit we then honeymooned in Gran Canaria and relaxed together into married life with a rosy future in front of us Christmas was a lovely time our first married Christmas was very special. But still the fear lingered and I still was a little bit detached from all the changes my body was going through I was still feeling very guilty that I wasn't jumping up and down with joy over my pregnancy as how lucky was I that I was going to have a baby. Simon was also struggling with my lack of enthusiasm and did get quite upset as he was reading up on the fetuses progress and trying to show me the amazing changes my body was going through and yet I still seemed distant over feeling any excitement which lead to a lot of friction between us. At the start all I could think about was all those horrible video's we had to watch in Biology of women giving birth screaming with lots of blood, I looked at my scan photo's but still could not make out anything. I kept thinking I would find a connection to the baby but I just didn't feel the bond I wanted and expected to feel. But we started getting ourselves prepared.

On January the 7 th it was our second scan my 20 week scan, Simon was really excited at being able to see our babies development and see more scans of our unborn child, I was starting to come around in excepting I was pregnant my hardening bump was now very noticeable though I was still being very sick every day the sickness hadn't weaned off yet like all the books said it should but 14 weeks, I didn't have that pregnancy glow my hair and skin weren't glossy and all I was feeling was very tired. We went and sat in the waiting room of the scan unit with all the expectant mums waiting for our turn, when we were called into the room and the warm jelly was squirted all over my tummy I laid back and waited for them to show me our baby the start of the scan proceeded very routinely. Yes there is an arm and yes there is a leg and the babies head circumference was this all fine and great The lady was measuring and showing us as our bay bounced around uncooperatively then it came around to looking at the heart, the lady was having difficulty getting a picture. She frowned and tried again still no luck the baby was having none of this, she could not get what ever she was trying to get, so she went and got her work colleague for her opinion, this second lady scanned me and frowned and said no I can't get the measurement but to be on the safe side we are going to refer you to a foetal cardiologists to get the measurement we need, as baby isn't playing ball, nothing to worry about we would make an appointment and go to the clinic, cheerfully they printed all our scan photographs that we asked for and told us we would hear soon not to worry.

Looking back now how could I of been so blind, why didn't it click that our world was going to come crashing down around us and never be the same again, I was and sometimes now feel very bitter about that moment as obviously they knew something was wrong, but couldn't say and yet it was made out to be no problem, if I had had any comprehension of what we were going to find out I would of lost it, so may be it was a good thing not to know as it brought me another 24 hours of pure ignorance, so we were sent on our way with our scan pictures thinking everything was fine.

The next day the hospital contacted us that was quick I thought if we could get in before 12 there was an appointment available. Yes fine we would get there so we walked along to the children's ward together.

Dr Algawi who was a fetal expert, Iranian with a headscarf and a strong accent and a respected person in her field. Due to us being a last minute appointment though there was a few problems trying to get onto a scanner as there were other doctors using the room, great I thought just what we need we are going to be here ages for one measurement, laying back on the bed I stared at the scan equipment. Dr Algawi seemed very stressed about this appointment, and was trying to explain to us about the lack of funding and how she was doing this as extra work, at short notice so were going to have to bare with her, at the start of the appointment I thought she was being a bit rude and not sympathetic as still we had no idea why we were she did a scan but again the baby was lying in a difficult position for her to see, she tried several times but had no luck. So it was decided to send us for a walk to see if that would move baby into a better position, it worked when we went back she then proceeded scanning, I was staring at the scan equipment wandering how do they know what's what all I can see id fuzz and grey, I couldn't really understand what she was saying occasionally through the scan and I was wandering when are we going to be able to go as I was starting to feel hungry Dr Alwgawi then stopped the scan, wiping my tummy she announced she was referring us down to Great Ormond Street in London. Why would she do that what was going on, she said she had found some foetal heart problems and she needed a second opinion

I still didn't click what was going she talked about the facilities being a lot better there Simon started with a lot of questioning but I was only vaguely grasping the situation something was wrong but I did not think for one second it was a serious problem, we were referred back to the day assessment ward and given an appointment to be at GOSH the next morning, a very quick appointment was all I could think but it was all booked and we were sent home.

We spent that evening at my parents who was desperately trying to understand what was going on and what we had been told and I didn't know what to say I had no idea all I knew was we were going to GOSH but had no idea what the problem was.